Ellenei

ellenei @ 2009-08-13T13:39:00

2009-08-13T17:42:03Z

I am so very sick of my family nagging me. I do not live at home, but they still nag me about everything. Hunting a job, they nag me about that, as if I'm not doing enough. What -can- I do beyond job searches, applications and submitting resumes? I sure as hell can't make anyone hire me.

Finishing up my degree, I get nagged about that. They act like I should be finished already, seeming to think if I just put my mind to it I can complete it in one night or one week. I wish! The data analysis is going to be hard for me, since I'm having to learn the cursed program to actually code it. It's time-consuming and I need occasional breaks from staring at code all day long.

And now my mom is pushing me to get my cat put to sleep, just because she requires special food and it's more expensive than the other cat food. What the hell is wrong with my family?

Another overdue update

2009-07-26T18:09:09Z

Alive and kicking. Still plugging away at the research, going to the University at least once a week. Hanging out with friends at the music store, being silly. Going to a hispanic dance tonight. Hopefully there will be plenty of other non-Spanish speakers there for me to chat with, since I won't be dancing!

Alive!

2009-06-26T02:29:14Z

Not really feeling very "posty" at the moment, but I figured I was overdue to say something here. So, basics: I'm alive. It's summer, and it's hot. I'm not sleeping well, and I'm grumpy. I think that covers everything for today. I'll try to post again soon, with more upbeat stuff, and fewer commas. Next time: semi-colons!

ellenei @ 2009-05-30T19:30:00

2009-05-30T23:35:52Z

Ooookay, I should probably check my email more than once a month. And maybe post here too. Several online friends were worrying because I hadn't been around that they'd noticed. I've been very active on facebook, but not here or MSN... Bad me.

ellenei @ 2009-03-30T20:36:00

2009-03-31T00:41:56Z

Things have been rather blah lately. Not that my Florida vacation wasn't a lot of fun, since it was. DisneyWorld was enjoyable as always, and the part before that was actually even cooler. I got to see a shuttle launch. Not from onsite at Cape Canaveral, but from a causeway nearby. Amazing experience. My brother, bless him, put up with me texting him nearly every day to check on Pieprz, Bob, and the other pets. They're all fine, of course.

But back at home, I've barely felt like resuming my prior life. I hardly ever log into MSN anymore and I rarely bother checking my gmail account. I've been a little busy with work, but not that busy. Seems like I just ...need a change of pace for a while, I guess. So, I'm doing stuff around the house and yard, getting ready to reinstall installation below the house, trying not to let the cows scare me to death when I'm out there working... and spending every evening winding down with Bejeweled 2. Well, and some music, too.

It's been a great week for music. I've learned about some artists I'd never heard of before, some new and some not. Got reminded of some of my old faves, as well. So I've spent a fair amount of time listening to music and checking out artist websites.

ellenei @ 2009-03-07T19:57:00

2009-03-08T00:59:44Z

I am ...angry beyond words at D. He hasn't put a headstone on the grave. His wife of nearly ten years, and ...all she has is this tiny marker on the ground. It's been two fucking years since she died, could he not have scraped up a little money in that time to put a marker down? Something you don't have to lean down to the ground to read... I hate him right now, I really do.

A Grumpy Gus

2009-03-06T13:48:14Z

I'm oddly irritable today, with no idea why. Everything is annoying me. The thought of going to work, the thought of coming home, studying, everything. Maybe I just need a break, some time away from my familiar environs. Too bad it's a touch too chilly to go to the zoo yet. That would be a nice getaway.

Venting

2009-03-03T17:20:58Z

Human Anatomy is kicking my butt. Well, studying it is. Haven't actually taken any of the tests yet to get my arse kicked on. But all these terms to memorize. ARGH!

Today is Long Bone Day. 'swhat I'm calling it, anyway. I can tell you their are four types/classifications of bones, and that long bone is one of them (long, short, flat, irregular). And after that, it gets insane. Osteon (Haversian system), osteoblasts, osteoclasts, osteocytes, Haversian canals (central canals), lamellae, lacunae, canaliculi, Volkmann canals (perforating canals) and so on.... *head-desk*

I -will- finish this lesson today, though. Back to the grind now.

Grumpy

2009-02-26T09:30:20Z

As you can see from the title, I'm grumpy this morning. Who wouldn't be, after the night I've had. I had trouble getting to sleep for all my coughing, and then I woke up every two or so hours. This last time has been the worst. Can't seem to get back to sleep, and other things are bothering me now too. Nothing I want to write about, other than to grumble a bit, since it has to do with some former friends and such. Not entirely "unfriends" now, but not exactly friends either. I guess I need more of a life to distract me. I usually have work and such to do the trick, but being sick has limited that the last two weeks. Plus, I want more to life than work and home repair and such.

Anyway, enough whining. I'm going to go find a sleeping pill and get some sleep before my unwanted trip today. *is annoyed with parents, too*

Remodel and randomness

2009-02-25T14:20:52Z

The home improvement tasks are progressing reasonably well. My brother still hasn't installed that outlet, but it's not a huge deal (okay, yes it is). The floor needs sanding and varnishing, but looks great. Next major tasks are painting the living room (which I've postponed because I'm sick) and putting in the new kitchen cabinets, the base cabinets only. For now, I'll stick with the ugly upper cabinets. They're at least more functional than the current base cabinets, even if they're not as well-designed as I'd like.

I've sort of started a new "exercise program" ...sort of, because I got sick right when I was going to start it, so I can only do so much right now. It's really hard to do a lot when dealing with major head and chest congestion. Ugh, the phlegm-y cough is driving me nuts. But, I've eaten lots of nice new things lately! Sort of a diet, but it doesn't feel like a diet. I'm enjoying the foods I've eaten so far, though the Napa cabbage will take a bit of getting used to, and I will never eat celery again, diet or not. I just hate the taste and texture of it, which is such a shame, since it has to be really rich in fiber. The one dessert I've tried so far is this apple crisp thingy, which is so delicious it's all I want to eat. Fresh apples, chopped, sprinkled with a squeeze of lemon juice (fresh lemon, sliced). Sprinkle with a bit of brown sugar and cinnamon, add in some raisins and Kashi Go-Lean Crunch cereal (a tablespoon or so per apple, I think), then bake for 30 minutes or so. It can be eaten just like that or with a tablespoon of vanilla yogurt. ~That~ is my preferred method, that yogurt makes it taste like hot apple pie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. I'm drooling just thinking about it.

Well, time to log off again and rest... plus, I can't stand the skanky-looking girl in the advertisement on this page. Seriously, those short-shorts look like she's got a diaper on under them. I do like the dino on the tee, though, even if I can't read the text (other than Rawr!)

ellenei @ 2009-01-30T08:12:00

2009-01-30T13:26:31Z

That last post was in reference to my grandmother passing away. She'd had Alzheimer's for a few years and her health had been steadily declining, but she took a sharp turn for the worse when she got pneumonia two weeks ago. That last week was really tough on everyone. Mom had to medicate her every 3 or 4 hours, even at night, so I know she hardly got any sleep. My uncle was there too, but mom was in charge of the medication. I was over there practically every day and spent most nights there that last week. I finally decided to spend one night at home, and wouldn't you know that's the morning she passed away.

I haven't managed to grieve yet. I'd been praying for her to pass on, really. Many of the family had grieved for her back when the Alzheimer's really set in. I postponed it then. And it seems I can't do it yet either. I cried today over something else, but can't cry over her. That really bothers me. When am I going to manage to grieve properly?

She's finally at peace

2009-01-25T20:40:06Z

Some glad morning when this life is o'er,
I'll fly away;
To a home on God's celestial shore,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

[Chorus]
I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

When the shadows of this life have gone,
I'll fly away;
Like a bird from prison bars has flown,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away)

[Chorus]
I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

Just a few more weary days and then,
I'll fly away;
To a land where joy shall never end,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away)

[Chorus]
I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

The Christmas Blues

2008-12-24T19:39:12Z

It seems every Christmas is going to be depressing for me. Last year was the only good Christmas I've had as an adult, I think. At least it was really great, to give me one Christmas to remember with fond thoughts. This one is going to be another downer. I'm trying to hide it from my family, since I don't want to bring anyone else down. But ...part of not bringing others down is avoiding them when I'm horribly down, since I can't fake cheerfulness well for long. And Christmas makes it impossible to avoid anyone. I'm committed to going with my mom to visit someone for Christmas. I'm incredibly touched that we've been invited to their house on Christmas day, in fact. But I know how down I am right now and just ...want to be by myself. I don't want to have to fight to not be a downer around everyone else. For a week or so, I just want to wallow in it alone, until I snap back out of it. It's the holidays, I don't have to work, so why can't I just stay home and have some alone time?

Melancholy

2008-12-19T01:22:21Z

It's a down week. For several reasons. Still no signs of Fluffy, Sleepy or Valentino, and now one of the kittens is missing too. That's getting to me quite a lot. I keep having dreams where they're back, but I wake up and they're still gone. I want my kitties back. I feel so guilty that they're missing. And so afraid they're all dead.

The other main thing that is bothering me is something I can't really talk about. None of my friends would even understand it, and I just don't want to have to discuss it with any of them, so I'm not talking about it here. It's just ...on my mind, adding to the general depression.

Mainly... I want my cats back. My precious little furballs. They're probably gone forever, though, and I hate thinking it. I hate it.

Great Day

2008-12-18T00:40:04Z

Today was pretty awesome. Helped out in a special ed class for middle school students. How anyone can avoid getting attached to some of the students in those classes is beyond me. Two of the ones I got to work with the most were just so sweet. Makes me want to call their parents and say "Hug those kids of yours, they were perfect darlings in class."

Things otherwise are going reasonably well. Finally broke down and bummed money from mom to fill my prescription. So, now I just have to make it through a week or so of nausea. Which I'm sort of used to at this point because of the sinus problem. Pieprz is also doing well, though she's not exactly thrilled at losing her chance to eat dry food. Still, she does like her canned food reasonably well. Tonight, I actually have her in the hedgie's cage instead of hers. He's in a large box right now instead, so that I could move him to the bathroom at night if it gets cold. It's been easier to keep the bathroom warm at night. In the past, the living room has gotten very chilly. Too chilly for him, at any rate. Hopefully, the new vent added to the room will help. If that works (and I'm now eagerly awaiting cold weather to find out), I'll get to go ahead and do the floor, finally! If it doesn't work, the floor work will be a bit more complicated. So, fingers are being crossed here.

Next project, which can be done at any time, is to change the lightbulbs in the storage shed. At least one of them is blown, which is darned annoying, since they were brand new bulbs. I'll see about getting energy efficient ones instead, too.

Right now is a bit of an argh moment, since Pieprz is grumbling very loudly in the living room right now. She is quite insistent that I let her out of the cage, and I'm quite insistent that she stay in it this evening. I'm too tired to deal with her running around loose tonight. Tomorrow. She can play tomorrow, if I don't get called in. I did want to work tomorrow, but I honestly wouldn't mind staying home either. Rest my poor tired feet, that sort of thing. Either way, though, I've got to go over to mom's tomorrow afternoon to set up some stuff for Mac on the computer there. I've also got a sneaking suspicion I'll get drafted into playing Wii with him. I think he wants someone he's sure to beat, since Uncle Rick's pretty good at it all now. So funny to watch him play.

Now, think I'll see about getting in a few minutes of gaming before I finish off a book tonight. 'night, all.

Random kitty talk

2008-12-17T00:12:33Z

Had a vet appointment for Pieprz today after work. I'd been worried about her the last few days, thinking that her new diet was causing some of the old problems to reappear. Sure enough, she can't handle dry cat food. She may never be able to eat it, in fact. The vet believes that because of some of the scar tissue she has, she just can't "evacuate" there with the dry food. The canned, extremely moist, food was working well for her, though, so we're going back to that. For the next few days, however, she's getting some kitty laxatives. Oral stuff, thankfully, which she'll supposedly like the taste of. If she's a "finicky" kitty, I'm supposed to smear it on her paw for her to lick off. Instead, I'll try these little "pill pocket" thingies. They're soft and hollow, to sneakily give kitties medicine. She loves those things, I'm told.

Otherwise, she's doing well. She certainly climbed all over the place earlier when I had her out of her cage. Spent some quality time with her scratching post, then parked her little tail on the keyboard here. I was in another room and heard it beeping at me suspiciously. Sure enough, she was doing all sorts of damage walking all over the keys. Trying to clear my internet cache, et cetera. Luckily, she didn't do a repeat of Sleepy's performance, calling someone a bad word. I still giggle remembering that.

Well, time to sign off, I think. Still early, but I'm tired and want to do something relaxing. Preferably something that doesn't require any movement at all. Sleeping would be great, but I've sworn to myself I will not go to bed before 9 pm on a school night. Otherwise, I'll be up disgustingly early.

ellenei @ 2008-12-15T08:52:00

2008-12-15T13:54:34Z

I feel as if part of me has died now. I'm so sad and lost feeling again, and I hate it. It's strange how life works, sometimes. I think I'll try to get some more sleep, to avoid thinking about things for now. Maybe I'll feel a little less lost and miserable when I wake up again.

Horrible day

2008-12-12T22:50:06Z

Worst day ever as a sub. I love first graders compared to the students I had in 8th grade today. Seriously, a nightmare. I've had some rowdy students before, but these were the worst ever. The first half of the day went well enough, though I did have to send one student to another room (that's the "first timeout"). But the kids after lunch... monsters, practically. I treat my students with respect, but I expect the same in return, and this bunch was anything but respectful. They walked in with an attitude and it just got worse and worse. Two students in particular were really bad, and of the two, the girl was the worst. And considering the boy was "singing" curse words, that's saying something. She did nothing but talk back, act rudely and just be a general pain. That was the first time I have -ever- found myself thinking "Lord, this student is such a bitch." I've thought students were pesky before, but nothing like this. I didn't like the feeling and I don't like the thought. I don't want to think things like that about anyone, especially a student. But when a student acts that way and is just generally disruptive and refuses to listen to instructions, what can you do other than write them up and send them to the office. I hope at least some of those students have a clue what they're doing on that work assignment, or they'll all fail the test next week. Which sucks, because I wanted to try to help them to get all the problems on the worksheet right. I actually -know- that material, which isn't the case in every sub class. But it's math and algebra, I can practically do that in my sleep. In most of the classes, I was able to go around and try to check some of their work and even help in other cases. Not with that period of the day, though. A mean part of me wants that one student to horribly fail her test next week. Most of me wants otherwise, of course, but there's just enough of the typical human spite and meanness in me to think that at times. Argh.

Well, at least I learned that I don't want to teach 8th graders again. Let them fail math. I'll stick with 6th and 7th graders with less attitude, thanks.

A Long Silence

2008-12-10T22:27:39Z

Again, I find myself having not posted lately. Not that it's a huge deal, since very few people read my journal, but I'd still like to write in it more often. The last two weeks have been very busy, now that I've started a new job. Substitute teaching. That last "sentence" didn't need a verb, it said everything in just those two words. I've now covered six grades. Tomorrow will make seven and Friday will make eight. So far... I'm not sure which grade I like the best. They all have pros and cons.

The rest of my life is about the same as ever. Pieprz is doing very well, growing nicely (though still much smaller than the other kittens). Today, she got to eat some dry food again for the first time. Purina One kitten food mixed with Iams canned kitten food. She pigged out. You'd think I had been starving her to death before now, the way she fell on that dish earlier. It was really rather cute.

Now, time to go de-stress from a long day with 12 year olds. Some of them are already taller than I am. It's almost depressing.

Emotional drowning

2008-11-29T13:54:54Z

I could scream, really. I've got a friend who is going through a bad period of depression, which I can sympathize with. But... he's suffocating everyone. We're all trying to be there for him as much as we can, but none of us can be there all the time. Everyone has their own issues to deal with. I've been feeling guilty, thinking that I've not been there enough, while knowing that I've been there as much as I can while dealing with my own issues. I want him to be happy again, but don't know how to help him see that he can't rely on just one or two people to make him happy. Maybe because I'm still struggling to learn for myself that real happiness is internal, not defined by others. Others help to accentuate happiness, make it grow, but you've got to have an internal core of ...content, at least, to get there.

Then, I just found out that this same friend once accused me (to another friend) of trying to sabotage yet another friend of mine. Both of them, really. They both accused me of trying to sabotage them. I'm hurt and sad. A small, hateful part of me wants to tell him not to bother coming to me for support again. I don't mean it, really, but a small part of me wants to say it. The rest of me wants him to find what he needs to be happy, to become less dependent on others, to be more fulfilled in his life. I'll still be there for him as much as I can, but for today at least, I'm going to avoid him entirely. Not to be cruel, but to keep from being cruel. I'm afraid that I'd say something I'd regret right now, just out of bruised feelings.

ellenei @ 2008-11-29T07:11:00

2008-11-29T12:11:21Z

Argh. NWN2 is driving me crazy. Slooooooow loading times at every single transition, makes me feel like I'm spending more time loading than gaming. I want to scream everytime I'm forced to go to another area.

In more pleasant news, Belkar is back in OotS. He's so evil! And cute! I'm not quite sure why a psychotic murderous halfling is adorable, but he is.

I will not worry

2008-11-26T21:01:11Z

So... mom is having a biopsy soon. Routine mammogram wasn't quite so routine this year. My grandmother had breast cancer (mom's mom). It was post-menopausal, which is supposed to be better in terms of worrying about genetic inheritance of it. But... I still worry for mom. And myself, which makes me feel so damned shallow, to be thinking of myself at a time like this. More worried about mom, though, because of her history with cancer and tumors. I just keep telling myself it'll all be okay. I have to keep hopes up.

Eeeeeeeeevil

2008-11-25T19:42:21Z

Okay, slightly misleading post title here. I've not actually done anything evil lately. Just thought a lot of evil things. Plotting, scheming, being generally wicked in my thoughts. It's somewhere between fun and disturbing to me, really.

A phrase that has popped into my mind a lot lately is "just desserts". Blame the brownie sale the grocery store was having. I do. But... damn, those brownies are looking really good. Liz and I baked some on Saturday. Well, she did all the mixing (I was cooking something else at the time and she was eager to start on the brownies), but it was still called a joint effort. Mainly because we took turns cleaning all the extra brownie batter out of the bowl. And, with Liz making them, there was -plenty- of extra batter. So, my freezer now has six or so containers of brownies with a serving of fruit on the side. Mainly strawberries, since those go well with chocolate. Haven't eaten one yet, but I think I'll break down and have one this afternoon. I deserve my just desserts, just like anyone else.

Trauma!

2008-11-24T20:45:36Z

First day. I'm traumatized, I think. I survived at least, but I'm currently stuck in an "Oh. My. God." phase. And thinking about shot glasses. I'm hoping -not- to get a call tomorrow. I need the break, I think. Now, off to try to destress. Without alcohol. I'm thinking hot bath and a bit of ...chocolate. Like a whole cake or something.

ellenei @ 2008-11-23T11:05:00

2008-11-23T16:05:16Z

Had this really wonderful dream last night. And now, I'm horribly depressed. I'm not sure if it's because I feel lonely, or what. I hate feeling this way, though, I really do. I should be in a great mood. But I'm not, I'm incredibly miserable. Angry and irritable, too.